Gettin' it straight

So there's this surprise party they're having for me and a few others since we're leaving in 6 days...it's Wednesday. So Ken says to me today, "You're busy Wednesday from 1pm on..." And I said well I have something then and he says, "No you don't."

Then I come home and find out there is a surprise...I just don't know exactly what it is yet. From 1pm on...what could you do with 8 quality daylight hours? So many things. I hope there's a bonfire and smores involved. And certain people. But I know there won't be "certain" people per say...since they have already indicated other activities going on in their lives from Wednesday on. Which is all good. I think I'm figuring this thing out. It's a choice.

Life's a choice....to do right or wrong. And this thing could very well be wrong. So I flee. The worst is I am Lot's wife. I wanna look back so bad, but I know it will only hurt me (or turn me into a pillar of salt). That's what happen when you gaze at the past longingly, it freezes you....right where you are. You can't move forward because you are so infatuated with what was.

Love....it's so controlling. It's lasso's you in like a pro rodeo dude. And once it's gotcha, it's ties up your legs and shouts, arms in the air, with victory. There are 2 ways of looking at this. One, it IS totally wreckless...but so is God. And God is love right? Right. So you can accept that God is intense and He'll lasso you in because He loves you, or you can fight it and risk getting hurt (even worse than before).

I love people, so I don't have hard time with the whole concept of putting yourself in someone else's shoes. For instance, I wouldn't try to steal a guy from a girl that is wonderful to him. It's not about what you CAN do...it's about what you should do. And in my life, that's rules....what I should do. I ALWAYS do what I should do. So I wandered down the beaten path from my nicely paved road. I've tasted. And then quickly swerved back on to the straight and narrow.

Memories...they can either make you thankful or regretful. I choose the first because you can't change anything. This has been a memorable summer. I won't ever play the "what-if" game because it's tricky and dangerous to the heart. Look what I have....it's wonderful. I AM thankful. He is faithful. I have more than I could have ever asked for in this world. So I'm giving it away.

6 days...thank you Lord for putting more than 20 hours in each day.

Learn a lesson and don't forget it.

Holly

...how can it be?

That I have fallen in love with this place and these people. I have really let myself go. Structured Holly was thrown by the wayside. I asked the Lord to tear down my walls, and I guess He did it because I have no idea how I am going to leave. Bentonville, Arkansas? Seriously?! Of all places, I am placed here. On the drive here a little over 2 months ago, I was thinking, 'Lord, help me. These people are all going to be toothless hillbillies." Of course, it's nothing like that here. Everyone is loving. They all just love you and make it hard to live without them. They care about me. They've invested in me with their time and energy.

So I'm finding myself asking why...again. Why Lord? Would you send me to such a wonderful place that is 1200 miles from home that I may never get to visit ever again? There is a ray of sunshine in here somewhere. I'm just trying to find it...because even now, it is harder. This past week added a chain element. Like I want to chain myself to this place so I never have to leave. People look at me certain ways and I know they care for me. I don't want to leave them.

When I was 17, God called me to full-time missions. Here's a pretty good explanation of all of this that I heard this week:

"God may have brought you here to experience all of this and then just have to pack up and leave because this is the life that He has planned for you."

It's so true...the life of a missionary is a very nomadic one...or at least can be. I need some serious prayer because I'm getting a taste of what it's going to be like, and this is just so hard. It's so hard. This family I've lived with for 2 months....you don't understand. They are beyond wonderful. I feel as if they are my own. These 2 precious girls that call me their big sissy. What will they do when I leave? Or this amazing group of guys/gals that I spent the last week with at camp? It seems so unfair to pack myself and walk away.

I feel like I'm not walking away...maybe it's more on the side of they are letting me go. And I have to let them go. The tears are incessant. I'm not even a crier.

God has blessed me with the most amazing summer of my life. The lessons I have learned are echoing already and will continue to echo through the rest of my life. The impact that some people have had on me here will resound whether or not I replay these memories in my head. It hurts to do that. Please let me get to a point where it won't hurt anymore so I can recall these memories and have joy. Part of me feels like I am incomplete in my life back at school because I feel like here in my home. That is terrible. How does a place become home so fast? The saying, "Home is where the heart is" has never been more true. My heart is here.

I feel like I could go on forever. I have 8 days left. Lord, I am going to live them to the fullest. Help me to focus on what I have now because in 8 days, it's gone.

I'm going to miss you...a lot. Just so you know. But you already know that.

Being uprooted,

Holly

Walmart Town

So I'm livin it up in Bentonville, Arkansas for my internship this summer...currently sitting by a window watching a storm pervade the open sky. It's starting to clear up though. The clouds are looking a little translucent. I like this. Beck playing in the background. Let's freeze this moment. I don't need tomorrow.

This church is great. Everyone is Walmart. Walmart shareholders, walmart employees. Walmart. Yes. Did I mention this town is Suburbia? Hello American Dream. Mansion after mansion line the streets with quaint little sidewalks occupied by young mothers, fathers, wives, husbands, children in strollers. It's picturesque.

Let's see where this goes.

Something Beautiful

I'm here to say something different than everything else. All I do is complain when I post because God is stripping everything from my life that is keeping me from Him. Well...now that all those things are gone...everything is beautiful. Even when tears are falling, God is still God. He is so amazing. I can't deny that I still love my man, but I am submitting my feelings and pretty much everything to Jesus everyday. I'm learning so much. About who I am in Him and about love, and what it means to be selfless.

I think you can't go wrong when you ask the Lord to be on the forefront of your mind every minute of everyday. Walking holy and obedient to Him feels better than the life I was living before. Regardless of whatever, I want my life to be an offering to Him and for people to see Him in me and not selfish Holly.

All I know is that this summer is going to bring great change into my life and will be a very critical time. But I can say that I trust Jesus 100% because He loves me and He holds it all together. I mean I really trust Him. And when I start to think about my man and the past and the future, I just pray for him. Because I really do love him. Love suffers long (or is patient), its kind, it doesn't act like a jerk, it's not jealous, it rejoices in the truth and not in sin. Love never fails, right? God is love. God is awesome. And He is the only One worthy of my life.

Hello summer...meet my new heart.

Being renewed and transformed everyday,

Holly

What you do in this life...echoes in eternity.

So life is hard. Most of the time. But I know it would be so much harder if it wasn't for Jesus in my life. However, "there" He really is. I don't know. Anyways, I go to a school that loves to put stickers all over everything.
For instance, the smiley sticker. The smiley sticker is the one that says you're always gonna have joy joy joy joy joy with Jesus in your life. I'm sorry to say that this sticker is a fake. It also doesn't stick very well. Especially if you're living your life the way I am. Sheesh.

Next, there's the "I'm perfect" sticker, which means you cannot watch rated R movies, you can't wear shorts, your hair must be this length, your shirts must be collared, no holes in your jeans, no dancing, you must go to church 5 times a week...annnnd so on. You get the point. I hate this sticker the most because my best bet is that Jesus' hair wasn't exactly a crew cut, I'm sure he had holes in his robe because he probably only had a few and they wore out quickly, I'm sure he didn't own a collared shirt, I'm sure there were times He danced for joy, and MOST OF ALL, He knew that the church was not something to be attended 5 times a week. HE KNEW that the church is a body of believers who love, uplift, and support each other in the direst of times. HE KNEW the church was not a building but a way of life. Not a stage, but a group of followers of HIMSELF.

Where is the church?

Sincerely,

Me

Don't Save Me

So life. You are so silly. You can take from me my happily married parents, you can take from me my house, you can even take from me my good sense...but you will not rule over me.
I am still blessed. I really love my job. I'm at a great University studying what I'm passionate about. I have an amazing boyfriend who would stand by me even if I was not present. My parents love me.
I'm just angry at what people can do to people. When people are mean other people are hurt. Sticks and stones can break anyones bones but words can cut like knives. It's true. I don't know who ever came up with that stupid saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me." What a load of cockamamey.

Sometimes I just wanna be angry. And there is nothing you can say to make me feel better or not be angry.

I just need to be angry.