Oh What I Wouldn't Do...

So things really aren't that bad. They're steady. Steady like routine, not as in, I don't feel like I'm standing on a swivel chair anymore. Which is really dangerous by the way.

Yea, anyways...working tonight doesn't sound very fun. I would rather be training for this 8k I'm running with my mom and my man in November. I reeeeally need to train for that. That's in like 3 weeks give or take.

The class I'm sitting in right now is also extremely boring. It shouldn't be. But because it is an intro class, it is. Blahhh. Curses. I feel a headache coming on.

This weekend is going to be hecka busy. I'm super scatter-brained right now also. Oh well.

Things are ironing out in life though. Although, I don't particularly like how they are panning out, I can't help but be relieved that things are still completely in flames. Mom is moving, Dad just bought his new house. Our house is on the market and already attracting prospects. Life has a lot to do with moving on. Honestly, I really still feel like someone is pushing me and I'm digging my feet into the dirt trying my best not to move. Regardless of the fact that I want to act like a 4 year old, things are going to move on without me if I don't move with them.

So I might as well. Yeah.
This person
makes it a
whole lot
easier.
Just so
ya know.
:)

If I Can Make It Through

Yes yes...updates for all...here's the run down...

...parents getting divorced...

...selling house...

...paying for cell phone...

...working like crazy...

Yea....I don't know where my respect for my father went either. Lots of crap I know now that is is like wow...I must have been living in a hole then I realized...no...I was just a kid and when you're a kid every thing is sunshine and rainbows. Welcome to the REALWORLD is more like it. Well...I hate it say it...but...I don't like the REALWORLD at all. 

Really...I'm just praying that I'll find something to really cling to. 

Blahhhh....yea...sorry. On the bright side, I will be 500+ miles away from here in about one week. Thank you Jesus. I have GOT to get away. 

Well this is all I guess.

Finding hope in hopeless land

So here's the dealio...my dad is so different...

...from who he used to be a few years ago.

You know those gals who are sold out daddy's girls? Yeah, that was me. But what happens when your daddy is no longer the daddy that you endowed yourself to? I have no clue.

I'm not exactly sure what it means but right now he's in the hospital with pancreatitis and pneumonia. In and out of slumber...I brought him his Bible and a daily devotional book called "My Utmost For His Highest" and put it on the table within reach of his bed...yesterday.

Today...when I went to see him, the books were moved out of reach to the windowsill.

You see...he used to be the guy who advised me to keep persevering for Christ when the trials and tribulations got heavy...but something happened and now it's complete role reversal. I don't like it. But that doesn't matter because what he needs right now is that...and I more than happy to love him back to Jesus.

I think it's gonna take a while.

I'm selfish and I want results now.

There's something strange about fighting with something that my very nature rails against. John Donne said it nicely in his sonnet "Batter My Heart."

Reason your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captiv'd, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearely'I love you,'and would be loved fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy

Yeah...a lot of things ya know.

I miss the love of my life.

My heart is broken for my mother who now can't find the road to take that will bring her to loving someone that is not the same person she fell in love with 30 years ago.

I can't imagine.

She is strong.

You can't even imagine how strong she is...there are so many things she does.

So selfless.

I want to be more like her.

I can't seem to find the path with fences on either side
The one that sets me straight when my sinfulness is wide
That nudges me along when my way becomes a hill
And brings me to knees, crashing, breaking down my will
I want to understand how to live life more committed
To function on my knees and to my Savior, be submitted
"It isn't fair" seems fair to me when Pain has left me bleeding
But that's because I'm ignorant to my Father's leading
If I could just be captured by the One first assumed me
Maybe then His thoughts and ways would perfectly consume me
But I will not confine this cry to any weak excuses
Rather I will wait for peace and find the joy that it produces.

Goodnight.