Finding hope in hopeless land

So here's the dealio...my dad is so different...

...from who he used to be a few years ago.

You know those gals who are sold out daddy's girls? Yeah, that was me. But what happens when your daddy is no longer the daddy that you endowed yourself to? I have no clue.

I'm not exactly sure what it means but right now he's in the hospital with pancreatitis and pneumonia. In and out of slumber...I brought him his Bible and a daily devotional book called "My Utmost For His Highest" and put it on the table within reach of his bed...yesterday.

Today...when I went to see him, the books were moved out of reach to the windowsill.

You see...he used to be the guy who advised me to keep persevering for Christ when the trials and tribulations got heavy...but something happened and now it's complete role reversal. I don't like it. But that doesn't matter because what he needs right now is that...and I more than happy to love him back to Jesus.

I think it's gonna take a while.

I'm selfish and I want results now.

There's something strange about fighting with something that my very nature rails against. John Donne said it nicely in his sonnet "Batter My Heart."

Reason your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captiv'd, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearely'I love you,'and would be loved fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy

Yeah...a lot of things ya know.

I miss the love of my life.

My heart is broken for my mother who now can't find the road to take that will bring her to loving someone that is not the same person she fell in love with 30 years ago.

I can't imagine.

She is strong.

You can't even imagine how strong she is...there are so many things she does.

So selfless.

I want to be more like her.

I can't seem to find the path with fences on either side
The one that sets me straight when my sinfulness is wide
That nudges me along when my way becomes a hill
And brings me to knees, crashing, breaking down my will
I want to understand how to live life more committed
To function on my knees and to my Savior, be submitted
"It isn't fair" seems fair to me when Pain has left me bleeding
But that's because I'm ignorant to my Father's leading
If I could just be captured by the One first assumed me
Maybe then His thoughts and ways would perfectly consume me
But I will not confine this cry to any weak excuses
Rather I will wait for peace and find the joy that it produces.

Goodnight.